Who did Billy Mays play for?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Randomize
