I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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