then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
