Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
