btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
