I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Who died my cat blue again?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
