We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
