Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My room smells like vodka and shame
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
