When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
