Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
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