I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
