i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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