I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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