Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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