Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
