If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize