I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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