i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
