I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
