Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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