I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
