Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize