you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
