I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
