the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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