Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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