When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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