i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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