You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
