How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize