i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize