the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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