i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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