party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
