Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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