Will you blow on my dice?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think I died a long time ago.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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