I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
