i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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