I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize