One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
