If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
