I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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