I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
