The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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