can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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