So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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