I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
