its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
