He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
