the condom got lost in my hair
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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