Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
