Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
