Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Let's paint friendship bongs
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
