i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We got so high we made milksteak
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
