The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
