i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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