Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
