Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
