His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
