just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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